The Never Ending Pregnancy...

At my 37.5 week appointment, I did something I really shouldn't have...I was having a painful week and was just SO ready to have the baby that I worked myself up and set my hopes extremely high. I was all but certain that my doctor would check me and say that all systems were a go and I was ready to deliver, or at least she would have mercy on me and do SOMETHING to send me into labor.

Well, neither of those things happened. I started off the visit feeling pretty crumby because when they weighed me, I had gained FOUR pounds. I, of course, understand that gaining weight is a good and inevitable thing during pregnancy, but a healthy weight gain is more like ONE pound per week...where did I manage to find FOUR?? I felt like such a glutton as I sat there alone waiting for the doctor to come in. 

After she checked me, she said that I was not effaced or dilated AT ALL. She was actually kind of joking at how far from delivering I was, saying "oh you have AT LEAST two more full weeks!". I tried desperately to hold in my emotions until I was in the car, but as she was saying her goodbyes and had one foot out the door...I lost it. I absolutely broke down. My doctor slowly turned back around and closed the door again. She sat at my feet for what seemed like an eternity as I bawled. I just wanted to be left alone, but she just sat there. I tried to explain that I was just tired. I had had about 10 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours, my body was just failing me under the strains of an extra 40 pounds, and I was just ready to be able to hold Ryan again and get in the floor and play with her (pain free), but she seemed to think it was more than that. She told me that she sees me striving to be perfect and no one is perfect...of COURSE I strive to be the best I possibly can! Why wouldn't I? I don't think that I demand perfection, but I like things the way I like them!  She told me I try to "do it all"....but I do what I do because I love it (and Dave agreed with me here).  I don't choose to do the things I do because anyone is pressuring me to do them, nor do I feel obligated. I certainly have been down on myself in the final weeks of my pregnancy for not being able to do everything I would like to...I just physically can't do most things, and it is FRUSTRATING! Just the other day, I dropped a stick of gum in the car and as I watched it fall to the floor, my mind told me "you can reach that", but when I bent down to grab at it, Jacob quickly reminded me that I could not bend like that. I can't put Ryan to bed at night because she squirms and wants to be on my belly, which is quite painful, so I have to lay with my feet on the couch most nights as Dave does it. I can't cook the meals I want to anymore because standing in the kitchen for more than a half hour kills my joints and I will pay dearly for it later. I know all of these things will pass, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. I just feel like I have been this way forever...I first thought I might be pregnant at the Country Living Fair back in October....OCTOBER!!! That seems like an eternity ago!

Well, anyhow, I managed to compose myself enough to escape from that little doctors office and slipped into my car. When the radio came on it was on the Christian station and the song was about how this won't last forever and it is going to make you stronger, and I literally had an "oh just zip it already!" moment with God in that parking lot...which made me feel even worse. I cried the whole way home. 

At my 38.5 week appointment, I was feeling much better. I still was overly ready to have this baby, but I didn't have the expectations like last time. When the doctor came in, I coolly reminded her that she stripped my membranes with Ryan at 38 weeks and 6 days, and I was currently 38 weeks and 4 days...surely she would not deny me this service over 2 measly days!! She looked at me coyly and said "mm-hmm.  I've got you covered." 

The whole visit was strange. I'm glad I had Dave with me as a witness, because we left quite confused. I suppose that the doctor can't legally just come right out an say "hey, I'm going to try to push you into labor now" but she was SO overly cryptic that I felt like she never even said a complete sentence. She checked me and said I was 3 cm, but if I were to go into the hospital, to tell them I was 2 cm because then they would measure me at 3, which would be "progress" and they would HAVE to admit me. She said she could then come in and check me at the hospital and if my water "just HAPPENED to break during her exam" then we would be in full blown delivery mode. I understood that she was trying to HELP things get started, but I never understood if she actually stripped my membranes or not. I'm pretty sure she did, but not positive. She kept saying WHEN I started contracting to go right in to the hospital...so I figured that I would be having the baby either that day or the next. Two days later and NOTHI NG...

I have all but DRANK hot sauce, walked several miles, done some squats, bounced up and down...I am starting to believe that none of those little 'tips and tricks' actually work, they are all just coincidences that women do them and then go into labor. I remember with Ryan, I did all of those things too...I was walking, exercising, drinking raspberry tea, eating spicy food...none of it ever made one iota of difference!

I'm scared to death of having TWO kids...one is a handful, and now I'm going to have ANOTHER. It's mind blowing. But bazillions of people have done it before me with much less, so I know it will be fine. I may never have clean hair again, but it will all be fine! I think that Jacob will keep Ryan fairly entertained - she is really enamored with babies. I just keep trying to think back to Ryan's newborn days...those were some slow days! We literally had to take one day at a time...it was kind of a waiting game - waiting for the baby to sleep, waiting for her to wake up, waiting for the next feeding or diaper change - figuring it all out was a process! Some of the things I had to do with Ryan are coming back to me now...like pulling her bouncer into the bathroom so I could take a shower but still keep an eye on her. Or how she went through a LONG phase of only being able to fall asleep and stay asleep if she were laying on a pillow...once she was out I would ever-so-carefully transfer her and her pillow to the laundry basket and let her nap that way. 


Well, we will figure it out I suppose!


~rs