the Littlest Sullivan: Jacob Conner Sullivan!

~the first half of this was written on my phone the night Jacob was born, and the other half I just worked on over time~

It's 2 in the morning and I'm lying here in the hospital, unable to sleep. My mind is buzzing! Today was an indescribable day!

This afternoon, just before lunch time, I realized that I was out of my heartburn medication , so I called my doctor to ask her to phone in a few more for me. While I was talking to the receptionist, my doctor walked by and realized it was ME on the phone and wanted to talk to me. She tried to explain her vagueness from my previous visit...apparently Dave was right (and he is basking in his ever-so-rare rightness) and we were supposed to just go into the hospital the day after our visit and fib just a little - tell them I had some contractions and that I was only 1-2 cm the day before, they would find me at a 3 when they checked me, and the doctor would come in and break my water when no one was looking.

I reminded her that I was 39 weeks to the day, and she said "hey! Want to get induced today?" Then before I could even answer, she was calling the hospital on her other phone to see how busy they were. I heard her talking to the nurses, and then she said "Robbi, go on in!"

What??!! Just like that?! I struggled for a moment with the decision...is today supposed to be the day? Should we just wait? Is this the right thing to do? Are we really ready for this??

Dave was upstairs in the office working from home. He has to hide out up there all day long so Ryan won't know he's home. I just ran to the stairs and yelled "Dave, get down here!!" He knew something was up, since I was blowing his cover, and he came gliding out of the room with a big grin. I told him we could go in if we wanted to and he said "let's do it!"

Perhaps something more planned out like this was the best thing, because it took us almost 2 hours to get out the door! It was right at lunch time, so I made lunch for everyone as quickly as I could. I knew I needed to eat something FILLING, Ryan needed to eat so she wouldn't be fussy, and Dave just needed to eat! Then Dave had to make a dozen phone calls, and get everything squared away with Ryan. She stayed with her bestest little friend, Maci, so it would be a fun day for her and she would be too preoccupied having fun to worry about where we were.

Maci's big sister, Marena, came over to get Ryan. She was a huge help, keeping Ryno entertained while I packed up the last of our things and Dave put them in the car. I can't speak for Dave, but it was really really hard for me to say goodbye to Ryan. She has done a great job thus far being a big sister to Jacob in my tummy, and she understands as much as a 21 month old possibly can, but a huge life-changing event was about to take place in our little family, and she wouldn't be there for it. Obviously a delivery room is no place for her, but I don't know...I just felt like I was leaving her behind. We explained to her that Jacob wouldn't be in mommy's tummy anymore and that he would come home with us. She seemed confused and wanted daddy to hold her.

We finally got in the car and made our way to the hospital. Traffic was fairly bad, as it was the tail end of lunch time, and Dave was not pleased! He went down several cut through roads to try to get around it, but there seemed to be a sea of cars at every turn. We were giggling the whole way there...don't these people know what is happening today?? MOVE!! Hahaha

When we arrived at the hospital, they were ready and waiting for us. I could tell right away that my nurse, Miss Amelia, was going to be fantastic. and she was! She gave me my IV and just like that I was getting induced. She came in the room every 10 or 15 minutes to see if I was feeling anything, but I never felt a thing. She told me I was contracting when we got there, before the induction even started, and my contractions were 4-5 minutes apart. I swear I never felt a thing! Things moved SO quickly, I was contracting every 2-3 minutes almost as soon as the Pitocin started to drip. It took about an hour and a half for them to actually feel like anything. My doctor arrived and checked me, then went ahead and broke my water. It didn't hurt or feel like much of anything at all, and it felt like almost nothing came out...another uneventful water breaking story. After that, my doctor ordered my drip to be turned way up, and my contractions became very strong very quick....I repeat- VERY strong...VERY VERY quick.

They ordered my epidural and within minutes the epidural cart was wheeled in, but the anesthesiologist didn't come for an eternity! I kept saying "they need to get this in me, because this baby is RIGHT THERE!"

just waiting on my epidural...

Daddy waiting for Jacob.

He finally came in and got to work. Once again, I told Dave to squeeze my hand as hard as he possibly could, as if he were going to break it, and I would do the same right back. He did a good job and I noticed later that I had cuts up my arms from his fingernails! The doctor numbed my back with a shot, which was the most painful part...it feels so gross and unnatural, and burns just a bit. Then he threaded the catheter down my back and I didn't have the leg-jerk-reaction that I did with Ryan. He put in my test dose of medicine and it was over. Phew!! The nurse said that a bag of epidural fluid was on its way up...and it took FOREVER to get there.

My legs started to go numb, but my pain wasn't going away. And then all of a sudden, things started to get really REAL. With each contraction, the pressure was so intense that I felt like I just HAD to push. I have always heard women talking about the "urge to push", but never really understood it....I do now. I was in tears, writhing on the bed, begging for my epidural drip to come in and my doctor to come back in so I could push. I don't know how to describe the pain...

My doctor came in and then ran out to change into scrubs. Sometimes I think that doctors and nurses do this everyday and it becomes so commonplace to them that they forget that WE do NOT do this everyday. It is a big deal for me, so HURRY UP PEOPLE!!

I felt like Jacob was going to shoot out of me if I didn't push, but the epidural wasn't really working yet. The IV bag had just started, my legs, back, and top of my belly were numb - so I was numb enough to be immobile, helpless, and extremely uncomfortable, but my lower belly (where the crazy contractions were) and my girly parts (where the REAL pain was) were not numb at all. And I started pushing. And for all that I did not feel with Ryan, I paid my dues for this time around. I was not completely NOT numb down there, but I needed the pain meds to drip for a lot longer before it was going to be pain free.

The doctor and nurses underestimated how ready Jacob and I really were and they were breaking down the bed as I was already pushing! It was all very frantic and rushed!

For the first half of the pushing, I held on pretty well. I did my work, I didn't complain or cry out...I was "okay" even though it hurt like hell. He was already crowning within 1 set of pushes (a set of pushes is 3 big pushes during your contraction) and I could feel every bit of him in the birth canal. I only did maybe 5-6 sets of pushes to get him here, but around the 3rd or 4th set, it was just too much. The nurse and doctor were talking to me, constantly telling me how great I was doing and how perfectly I was pushing. Dave leaned down to me and I whispered to him "I don't want to TALK anymore!" I just kind of wished everyone would shut up except for Dave. He was the only one I believed...the doctor was going to say I was doing great no matter how lousy I was doing! If I had a question, I would just kind of whisper it to Dave because I only wanted HIS answer, and not 3 other answers from around the room. I asked him at one point of he could see Jacob's whole head and he said "yes!".

Like I said, it all became too much, and I even remember crying out "I can't, I don't think I can do it!" And then around that time, I had to have a serious "moment" with myself internally. I thought to myself "it isn't going to stop. They aren't going to pick you up off of this bed and take you down to do a C-section. There is no time for that. So, you can either keep doing these half-ass pushes and it will last longer and hurt more, or you can just give it everything you have and get it over with!"

And let me tell you...willingly doing something to make yourself feel like you are being split in half like a wishbone is NOT an easy thing to do. Not easy at all. But somehow, I did it. I did it because I had to, because I didn't have a choice, and because my baby needed me to. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Why anyone would CHOOSE to have a "natural" childbirth is completely beyond me!! The whole time I kept thinking "I can't wait until 20 minutes from now when it is all over...Think how much better everything will be in 20 minutes...I wish I were me 20 minutes from now..."

Well, once he started coming, it became obvious why it was hurting so much...
1- he was face up
2- he came out Superman style...his right arm stretched above his head
3- he was HUGE

I felt every bit of him come out...after you pass the shoulders it is kind of like the doctor just drags the rest of him out, so it's not painful, just strange feeling. He was quiet for a long time, I almost got a little worried that he wasn't crying! But he eventually let out one or two whimpers and it was all alright!

They put him up on my chest and I cried tears of joy, pain, immense love, and endless relief all at once. I never wanted a newborn that hadn't been cleaned up first laid on me, but they did it anyway and I'm so glad they did. It is an instant in time that I will remember forever. It was so quick - I looked at him, touched his cheek, said something-I-can't-remember, and it was over. But what a great moment! The world literally stopped turning. I will never forget that pasty gray-purple little face in that instant.

Jacob's very first picture

Before I had started pushing, I told Dave that we needed to try to remember what the first thing we said to him was once it was over...we don't really remember with Ryan. Well, we failed again. It is such a MOMENT that you don't remember anything other than the emotion. Dave said he thinks I said "my sweet boy", but who knows! I do know that at one point I said "he looks like YOU!" in a very pouty voice to Dave. And then I immediately said "no, wait, he looks like your DAD!" Maybe someday I will have a child that favors me...but today is not that day.

Well, I will spare you all of the gory details that happen to mommy in the 15 minutes after giving birth, and just say that it was quite unpleasant for me. Dave got to go and be with Jacob by the warmer while they cleaned him up. Meanwhile, I was begging to be able to straighten my legs...they were numb and shaking and I was terribly uncomfortable. They were finally done with me and I was exhausted. I wanted to look over and watch them taking care of the baby, but all I could do was lay there and close my eyes. Dave was taking pictures of Jacob on my phone and walking them over to show me. I kept thinking "whose kid is THAT?" because he did not really look like any of us in the pictures! He looked like a little sumo wrestler - his eyes were all squinted up and his face was as round and fat as it could be. Anyhow, it felt like much longer as it was all going down, but from the time I was "all systems go" to the time I was all finished was 18 minutes.

100% exhausted - I have literally never been SO drained in my entire life

After the baby was done being cleaned up, I don't remember why, but I couldn't hold him yet. The nurse asked me if it was okay for Dave to hold him first, and I said "of course!" So daddy got to have him first. After a while, he was able to bring him to me and I got to feed him for the first time. I tried to sit up to burp him and realized I couldn't, so Dave had to finish the first feeding for me. I was in a lot of pain and still pretty immobile from the epidural.

Daddy holding him for the first time

Mommy holding him for the first time

Daddy finishing the 1st feeding

Papa holding Jake

After that, we were moved from Labor and Delivery to a different room in Mother/Baby. It was so crazy how much you forget about taking care of a newborn. I was so sore and in pain while we were in the hospital that Dave really did most of the work. I couldn't get in and out of the bed very easily, so Dave would have to hand Jacob to me and take him from me to put him back in his bed. He changed practically every diaper. I tried to help, but he had to teach me how to change a little boy's diapers once we got home! I couldn't really walk around holding the baby, so Dave had to do all of that too. Luckily, Jacob was a very sweet baby and would wake up to eat and fall right back to sleep.

Settled in for the night

I could not sleep that night (obviously...I wrote the first half of this post on my phone that night!) Maybe it was hormones, or maybe it was my brain trying to wrap itself around all that I had been through that day. Maybe it was the pain, or the crazy thought of having 2 kids now, but I could not even close my eyes.

Jacob had a test at 5:00 a.m., and after that, I finally dozed off until he woke up around 7:00. We spent the day resting, taking pictures, calling family and friends, and welcoming guests. The highlight of the day was when the Kardatzke family brought Ryan up to meet her new brother. Dave met them in the lobby and walked them back. He held Ryan as they walked in together. She immediately saw me in the bed and said "mommy" in a somewhat worried little voice. I said hello and told her everything was okay. Dave brought her over to me and asked her where Jacob was. She reached down and pointed to my belly. Dave and I told her that he wasn't in there anymore and I pointed to the little tub holding Jacob. Her eyes absolutely lit up! Daddy walked her over to him and she didn't know what to think. She was very quiet and shy at first. Dave asked her who the baby was and she whispered "Jacob". Then he said "is he handsome?" and she said "yes" quietly. Then daddy asked "do you want to hold him?" and her eyes lit up again and she kind of gasped and said "yes!"

Family of 4!!

Ryan getting to hold her new baby brother

She LOVES him SO much!!

He looks thrilled...

So Ryan climbed up in the bed with me and Dave sat Jacob across her lap. It was the sweetest moment ever. She smiled at him and talked to him. She petted his head and kept repeating "be careful, be gentle, be soft, be nice" and "Jacob Conner handsome".

She held him for a long time, but we wanted our other guests to be able to hold him too. She did NOT want to let go of him, but we are working on sharing very hard right now, so we talked her through it and she eventually gave him up although she was not too happy about it.

Our wonderful friend, Jayme, came to visit us as well. She brought Jacob a little toy, a sweet card from her daughter, Riley, and an awesome lunch from her parents' bakery. We were starving, and the hospital food was pretty much not even an option for us....yuck. She held Jake and hung out with us while we gobbled up our food.

Aunt Jayme and Jake with a sweet picture from her daughter, Riley

After that, my doctor came in to check on me and to do Jacob's circumcision. I made Dave go with him so he didn't have to go through that alone. Dave said that it actually wasn't that bad. All I know is that Jacob was completely worn out and sound asleep when they brought him back to me...poor guy.

Jake's going home outfit

We waited around for a few hours to be discharged. We were finally allowed to leave around 7:00pm. I held Jake in my arms and they wheeled us outside. As we drove home, Dave and I kept saying "we have 2 kids now"...

in the elevator, on our way home!!

first ride in the car!

I was not completely pleased with our stay at the hospital, and I would not choose to be at that hospital again. The staff was fairly UNhelpful...I basically had to ask for everything. If I had never had a baby before, I would not have known what to ask for and would have received practically no medicine, no instructions on how to care for myself or the baby...nothing. And even once I asked for something, they would not bring it and Dave would have to physically go to the nurses station to ask again, and even then, it would take a half hour to receive anything. They never really told me how to care for my stitches, and they gave me nothing but pain pills for them. They did not tell us how much or how often to feed the baby, or many details on caring for his circumcision. They did not tell us how to bathe him, or that you have to wait for the umbilical cord stump to fall off before giving him a bath in the tub...good thing we have been through all of this before or we would have been left clueless.

In the end, the baby was happy and healthy, so that was all that really mattered, but we were all too happy to be discharged as soon as possible, which was 24 hours from the time Jacob was born.

hello world :)